HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
How I like cutting carbs
When you don’t understand how floors work
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…