You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.