Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Here’s a meme
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**