[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.