He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system