Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Netflix and awkward silence?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Everything reminds me of my ex