My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
You Might Also Like
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops