The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Merica.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator