My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
You Might Also Like
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Things will get butter, keep churning
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy