MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The news in a nutshell.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When someone trying to leave me
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
This raises questions
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.