Ron is short for Aaronald
You Might Also Like
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look