Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.