It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I just ran a .003048K
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
RT if you could go either way.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
my name if I was in the mob