*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
🙅🏻
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.