Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night