I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
This is my emotional support knife.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.