“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Ion see the issue
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.