And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
You Might Also Like
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*seductively corrects your posture*
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.