Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
You Might Also Like
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
wait.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Admin smashed it 😂
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.