Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
also my go-to takeaway order
If I ignore life will it go away?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
next question.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life