*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw