alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
no cat here
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl