Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Seems legit
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.