I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
me hitting on a model
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.