If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Cats are still liquid.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.