Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Ah..makes sense now
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
She: I like Cats
He:
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*