As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them