“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Well, this explains it:
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants