Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.