I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
This is my pinned tweet
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?