so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen