“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?