How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
very niche meme I made
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats