What a year we’ve had this week.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home