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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Have a lovely day 😊
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home