my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
You Might Also Like
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.