Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
it is time once again
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.