It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
🤣😈🤣
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
yeah not falling for this one
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey