My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
This makes total sense…
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.