I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
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1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
😂😂😂
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Who chose this font
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*