God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
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Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Breaking news:
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.