[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
You Might Also Like
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
🤣🤣🤣
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit