we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.