ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—