9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks