If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?