it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Breaking news:
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy