[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME