[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.