*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.